New Show Ideas

I've noticed recently that there are a lack of completely original ideas when it comes to television. It all started with "Real World." It went over great in NYC. Let's see if it works in LA. Oh wow, it did! Let's try San Francisco. Cha-ching! And so on. Then there was "Survivor." Same idea, different remote setting. There's also a "CSI," for NY, Miami, and Vegas. "Law and Order" original, SVU, Criminal Intent. You get the idea.

Since this seems to be the formula for commercial success on TV, let me formally introduce my ideas for spin-offs by network.

ABC

"Extreme Makeover: Office Edition" - So far this show has made ugly fat people skinny and beautiful and turned poor or unlucky families' homes into mansions. Let's move this concept to some schmuck company's office. Take some company that's in an "Office Space" type of environment and turn it into a cool media company type of setting. We could all have a laugh as the fat bald guy everyone makes fun of sheds a tear at the sight of his new fancy cubicle.

FOX

"24: Washington DC" - How many more terrorist plots can be thwarted in Los Angeles? Would the rest of the country really care if someone blew up LA? I mean if Brangelina were incinerated, I'm sure it would be devastating, but I don't see much national outcry otherwise. Attacking the nation's capital, however, that's exciting. If "24" can save Keifer Sutherland's career, let's resurrect Kiefer's co-star in "Lost Boys", Jason Patrick's, career as the unruly CTU field agent in DC. You smell that? Yeah, you smell a hit.

NBC

"Las Vegas: Foxwoods" - If Vegas is Sin City, then these Indian Casinos are the Gluttonous Suburbs. What sorts of ordeals will Chief Chocolate Thunder get himself in and out of each week? Guess we'll just have to tune in and see.

"Crossing Michael Jordan" - What most people don't know is that MJ has a severe gambling problem. We can have various people make bets with his Airness that he can't win.

CBS

"CSI: No Dead Prostitutes" - I've never actually seen an episode of this show but from the previews it seems they are trying to find who killed a different hooker every week. Let's do this show and solve the murders of people who will actually be missed when they're dead.

Say What You Will, The System Works

Last November I got what one would call a horrible letter in the mail... a summons for jury duty. I recalled a conversation I overheard in the sauna at my gym where a guy got out of jury duty by saying it would be an extreme financial burden. So I decided to play that card. Two weeks later, I got a second letter in the mail saying I definitely have to report to the Torrance courthouse on Jan 22.

I woke up bright and early that Monday, Jan 22nd, and got to the courthouse in time. After registering, myself and a group of people are told to report to the Redondo Beach courthouse for jury selection. I didn't realize there was a courthouse on the Redondo pier, but there is. Talk about an awesome view in there. Well, compared to the view in Torrance it was good.

I'm immediately put in the juror box with 11 other strangers and four alternates and the "voir dire" began. The lawyers on both sides asked us some questions to try to decide which jurors they wanted to keep and which ones to get rid of. In the back of my mind, I wanted to come across as a racist, non-objective, stubborn idiot so I could be excused and get on with my life. Nope. They selected me. Let the fun begin.

The case was definitely interesting. There was an accident on the 405 north near LAX where the defendant rearended the plaintiff while in traffic. The defendant admitted fault and neglegence to the accident. The plaintiff complained of groin pain immediately after the accident. Upon going to the doctor, he wasn't diagnosed with anything. Just told to take it easy. A few weeks go by and he has a bulge on his groin. He goes back to the doctor and he's diagnosed with a hernia which needed surgery. The case came down to whether or not the accident (or the defendant's neglegence) caused the plaintiff's hernia. And if so, how much money is that worth?

Now if you heard the plaintiff's testimony, you would be certain that this accident caused his hernia. End of story. However, his profession clouded the water. He is a field engineer for Sony and goes to repair their plasma, etc TVs all over LA. He's lifting 50lbs - 200lbs almost daily. Can we absolutely say the accident caused the hernia? Couldn't there be a possibility his job contributed a little bit? And that is why we deliberated for two and a half days.

To the best of my ability, I'm going to try to remember all the jurors, their personalities, and so forth. It's interesting to see how people with completely different backgrounds can come to an agreement.

Juror 1: Black guy, in 60s, custodian, soft spoken, friendly, not the brightest light on the tree.

Juror 2: White woman, in 40s, housewife, friendly, reasonable, not super smart

Juror 3: Asian woman, in 30s, engineer, quiet, friendly, very intelligent and well spoken

Juror 4: White guy, in 20s, engineer, very tall, very smart, stubborn, looks freakishly like me. He even grew up outside Baltimore like me. I came to call him Bizarro Jim. He told me I look like "Jim" from "The Office." I told him my name really is Jim and he freaked out.

Juror 5: White guy, in 50s, not sure of his job, could be rude at times, laughed at my jokes so he's cool with me.

Juror 6: Hispanic guy, in 30s, accountant, heavy-set, family man, football coach, could be rude, overall nice guy though.

Juror 7: Hispanic guy, in 20s, security guard, always late, spoke his mind, friendly, generous.

Juror 8: White woman, in 60s, not sure of job, intelligent, short temper, attitude problem, cheap.

Juror 9: Asian guy, in 50s, not sure of job, quiet, meek, friendly

Juror 10: White woman, in 60s, not sure of job, smart, cancer survivor, fair & reasonable.

Juror 11: Asian guy, in 40s, physicist (Which leads to a funny story. He was asking for the speed and crash impact data all that shit. I said, "Dude, we're not physicists in here, so who cares?" He said, "Actually I am a physicist." I got owned on that one. Muffed!), stubborn, very intelligent, well spoken, friendly outside of jury room. Inside he had Kim Jong Il syndrome.

Juror 12: Yours truly. White guy, in 20s, Online Marketer, coolest, smartest, nicest dude in the world.

After almost ending in mistrial because at least nine of us couldn't come to an agreement, we finally reached a verdict. We found in favor of the plaintiff for nearly $40,000. I think that was a fair result given the strong opinions that he didn't deserve anything and the other strong opinions that he deserved much more.

Overall, I'd have to file this experience under the same category as pledging a fraternity... The coolest thing I never want to do again.

Worst Video Ever!!!

Let me preface this by saying I'm a huge Robert Plant fan. Even with the bulk of his fame coming from Zeppelin, he still managed to come out with a few decent singles on his own. This song included. But the video? My God, Robert, what were you thinking? It makes Journey's video for "Seperate Ways," look less awkward. I feel ashamed to be white when I watch these. Really.

First of all, "In The Mood," is kind of a psychadelic song. You have the trancy bass beat, the colorful guitar riffs and Plant's hypnotic voice. This song was not supposed to be made into a video. The record company probably looked at the rest of the tracks on this record and said, "I guess this is the only one we have to work with." So what do they come up with? Here's how the creative meeting went down...

Creative Consultant 1: "I see Robert in the studio with his band."
Record Company Big Whig: "I like it."
Creative Consultant 2: "I actually see a bunch of black people break dancing. Break dancing is very popular these days."
Record Big Whig: "You make a good point."
Creative Consultant 3: "Let's meet in the middle. It's the American Way."
Big Whig: "What are you implying here?"
CC3: "Robert and the band will be in the studio lip syncing the song while people break dance around him. It can't lose."
CC2: "Maybe Robert could even join in on the break dancing."
Big Whig: "Genius! What are we waiting for? Let's make a video damnit!"

20 years later, we watch this and wonder what was a better idea. Break dancing in a Robert Plant video, or New Coke?

Playoffs?

After going 4-0 in the Wildcard weekend, I went 1-3 this past divisional playoff weekend. The only game I got right was the Bears and they bearly won (haha get it?). I'll add my $.02 on each game then make my predictions for the remainder of the playoffs.

Colts/Ravens

The Ravens O laid nice, big, smelly deuce on the fifty fuckin yard line. I have a feeling the Colts (and particularly their D) tanked the last month of the season to get ready for the post season. In games that have mattered in the regular season for the Colts (Week 1 vs Giants, Week 9 vs Pats), the D showed up and actually looked good. With the playoffs being do or die, their D is looking healthy and quick. Dare I say the Colts' D outplayed the Ravens D on Saturday?

Saints/Eagles

The Eagles were my suprise Super Bowl pick, so I was pretty disappointed that the Saints won. On one hand it's nice that New Orleans has something to cheer for when everything else in that city is a disaster. On the other hand, Philly hasn't won a single championship in any sport in a very long time. And Philly LOVES their sports. It's what they live for up there. Even with the devastation of Katrina, I'll bet you the overall mood in Nawlins is better than Philly.

Bears/'Hawks

Once again, dropped passes and shitty Matt Hasselbeck throws keep Seattle from winning it all. Apart from the injuries the Seahawks had all season, this was supposed to be the year they finally won it. If that's the case, they are one of the most overrated teams in recent memory. The Bears might be the worst team to ever play for a conference championship, as a #1 seed no less. They have a shaky (at best) QB, a lame running game, and a worn out defense. It's not that they are that good. The Seahawks really were that bad this year.

Pats/Chargers

I feel for ya Marty. I really do. While the call to go for it on 4th and long in the first quarter may have been questionable, I don't think the blame for this loss goes on the coach. I think there are three Chargers players that should carry the burden for just boneheaded mistakes:

- Eric Parker: Fumbled a punt, then instead of diving on top of the ball decided to try to pick it up and run. He got clobbered and lost the ball.

- Drayton Florence: On a 3rd and long, the Chargers' D sacked Brady forcing a fumble which the Pats recovered. Out of FG range, the Pats were set to punt the ball back to SD when Florence out of nowhere goes crazy and headbuts one of the NE players. He's flagged for 15 yards and the Pats get an automatic first down. His teammates should've beaten him with their cleats.

- Marlon McCree: Made a great play and intercepted Tom Brady. Rather than just going down, he decides he wants to be on SportsCenter and try to make a run back. Pats' Troy Brown strips the ball from him and the Pats recover the fumble for a first down in SD territory.

It's almost like there is a God and he refuses to let Marty ever win a Super Bowl. That, or Brady has a deal with the Devil.

NFC Championship - Saints at Bears

I'm hoping the potent Saints offense is too much for the tired Bears' D and that makes the difference. It would be a huge media event if the Saints could make it to the Super Bowl this year.

AFC Championship - Pats at Colts

The last two years, the Colts have had Brady & Belichick's number when they come to the RCA dome. If the Colts' defense can keep playing at this current level, I think they can take this one.

Super Bowl - Saints vs Colts

This would make for huge ratings. The feel good story of the year Saints play the much-hyped super endorser Peyton Manning in his first Super Bowl appearance. Unfortunately for the Saints, this is where the feel good story ends. Believe it or not, I think Manning can finally shake his demons and win the big one this year. Ironically with his worst team in the last four years.

Go Tigers!

Here's a synopsis from Rotten Tomatoes:

The 106th season of the 1999 Tigers finds Massillon, Ohio a "house divided". Following the team's poor season the previous year, the people of Massillon are faced with a school tax levy necessary to protect the jobs of teachers, coaches and the Massillon educational system itself. After three consecutive levy defeats, the town is split down the middle on the issue.
As the election approaches, the Tiger players come to realize that the fate of the levy and the future of their town seems to rest on their success, creating a pressure-filled atmosphere. Faced with obstacles on and off the field, the Tigers must endure criticism, accusation and self-doubt. Taking on these challenges, THREE YOUNG STARS emerge to carry the burden of the town they love into an uncertain future. Entering the final game of the season against mortal enemy Canton McKinley, these young men and their coaches come to understand the power of tradition, the depth of their character and the undeniable force of destiny.
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If you only see one football documentary this year, or ever, make it this one. I netflixed this the other day. Like all meaningful movies I see, this one has stayed in my thoughts the past few days. Check out the preview above and if that doesn't make you want to see it, then you are crazy. Or gay. I kid, I kid the homosexuals. Actually, you'd like it if you were gay because there are a lot of ripped dudes working out with their shirts off.

Driving

It was inevitable. Of all the things there are to complain about in the world, you know bad drivers are on the top of most people's list. I've been driving for a little over 13 years and have put a lot of miles on the odometer. When I lived outside of Washington DC, there were times when I thought there's no way anybody could be any dumber than some of the boneheads you run into on the streets of PG county. Actually, not just the roads. The parking lots at malls are extreme idiot epicenters as well. I always dreaded going to the mall because I knew once I got into the parking lot, it was a simpleton free-for-all.

Then I moved to LA.

Maybe it's just an issue of volume. Maybe there are no more halfwits per capita in LA than around DC. Since there are so many people here, you're just bound to run into more dumbasses. Either way, I'm surrounded by ingnoramae on the road.

To quote the great Peter Griffin, "You know what really grinds my gears?"

(In no particular order)

1. In LA, nobody seems to use their signal. I am on a crusade to get every Los Angelite to use their turn signal. Especially the one that indicates right turns. I can't tell you how many times I've been at a stop sign to turn right into traffic waiting for an opening when some schmuck approaches my street then turns right without signalling. I would've turned had I known you were turning. I believe I reserve all rights to flip the bird there.

2. Then there is the opposite of not signalling: Leaving your signal on for miles and miles. This is why I don't usually let people in front of me. I've been in positions where I'm feeling nice and if someone has their signal on to move into my lane, I'll give them space to let them in. After a minute or so of driving, nothing happens. How long have these numb nuts been driving with their signal on? How do you not know it's on? So from now on, when I see someone signal I don't let them in. It's probably one of these freaks that has no idea what's going on driving from A to B with their left signal on.

3. The person who thinks cops are watching them 24/7: Ever heard of the California stop? It's where you approach a stop sign, slow down to a near stop and upon visual confirmation that everything is clear, you roll through the intersection. These people not only come to a complete stop at the stop sign, but they sit there for over two seconds, look both ways, then go. I know, I'm complaining about safe drivers. But seriously, if nobody is around, what's the big deal? We're not at Disneyland, just go already.

4. The person who drives 5 mph above the speed limit: These people get on my nerves because you can't really get mad at them for driving slow. They are technically speeding. But you know if you were in their place, you'd be driving at least 10 mph faster. And since they are maintaining the speed they are, you are hitting every single red light. If they went just 5 mph faster, you could avoid the red light all together. They also piss me off because they're not keeping up with traffic. The cars in front of them seem to be flying. As are the cars in the lane next to you. You can't get around them and the cars passing you are moving into your lane in front of the asshole driving just a bit too slow. One time this guy who was driving a little slow have a car pull out on him because he left such a big gap in the traffic. He got a huge case of road rage and I could see he was flipping out. I was thinking, "Dude, you put this on yourself. Just drive a little faster and that would've never happened." Those are the times I'm glad assholes that cut people off with no regard exist.

5. The person who decides at the very last second to go through a yellow light: You know this has happened to you. You're riding along coming to an intersection when the light turns yellow. Personally, I have an imaginary line I draw that tells me either, "Stop. You're not going to make the light," or "Speed up. You can make this light." The person I refer to here slows down like they are going to stop at the light, so you slow down to stop, then at the last second they decide to plow through leaving you behind at the red light. Had they decided to go through the light from the begining, both of you could've made it. I should also note another factor that determines if I go through a light is if there are cars waiting to turn left onto the street I'm crossing. As a courtesy I'll stop at the light so they can make their left.

6. The person who runs the yellow light while you are waiting to turn left: Since there are hardly any left turn signals in LA, there is an unwritten rule that once the light turns red, 1-3 cars may make their left turn. The actual number of cars that get to turn left after the light turns red depends on the jackass that runs the yellow light going straight. If the person is courteous to them and stops at the yellow, I'd say three cars can turn if everybody is on the ball. Inescapably, one of those cars is daydreaming so usually only two cars go. But if a jackass runs that yellow light, only one car can make that turn, maybe two on a perfect day.

7. The person who blocks the intersection: Speaking of making left turns, I want to punch these people in the face when they pull their cars into a traffic logged intersection eliminating any chance I have of making a left turn. This person either doesn't give a crap, which makes them so self centered, they don't deserve to live. Or, they are completely oblivious which means they shouldn't be driving. Either way, our lives would be a lot better if they had just decided to stay in bed that day. I run into these people every day on my way home from work. I have to turn left onto my street off of Lincoln Blvd. There is no light there, it's the next street south, so when traffic backs up to my street, I have to rely on two lanes of drivers to stop and leave the intersection clear. More times than not, the dumbass blocks the intersection leading to me honking at them, yelling at them, and they pretend not to see or hear me. I guess my next resort is to throw pennies at them. That should get their attention.

8. The person that doesn't pull up far enough when parallel parking: There are a limited number of parking spots on the street. If you can fit a "Smart Car" between your front bumper and the rear bumper of the car in front of you, or the driveway in front of you, you are too far away. If one more car can fit on the street, that's one more person who won't be pissed off when they go home.

9. The person that parks in two spaces of a head in parking spot: You are either blind and can't see how bad you parked, or you are so self centered that you don't care that someone is out of a parking spot because you wanted more room for your car. Again, either way, not someone I want to share oxygen with.

10. Just plain slow drivers: Like the person in #4, but these people drive obnoxiously slow. Hear me people. If you drive slow because you are afraid that your reaction time isn't what it used to be, STAY THE FUCK HOME, or ride the bus. The only excusable reason anyone would drive slow is if they were lost, or in unfamiliar territory and looking for a particular destination. On a sidenote, I've noticed these cars are the usual culprits of slow driving:
- Toyota Prius (I'm all for hybrids, but wtf is up with all the slow drivers in these)
- Toyota Corrolla (I refer to the older models of these cars)
- Cadillac
- Any kind of mini-van

11. The person who pulls into traffic and cuts you off: So you're driving down the road into your tunes or your talk radio. You're probably about five seconds behind the car in front of you and there is probably ten seconds between you and the next car behind you. This dumbass decides to pull out in front of you. He or she could've waited until you passed by, taken their time and still have safely made their turn. But no, they can't wait five seconds. They don't give a shit about you. They're cutting you off. Why can't some traffic offenses warrant the death penalty?

12. The person who switches into the right lane at the last second to be the first car at the light and goes straight while you have to wait to turn right: This happens to me all the time. I'm turning right at the light. The right lane is open. Then at the last second some car decides they don't want to be the second car in line, they need to be first. They don't care that people turning right have to wait. They get to be first in line damnit. Another instance where having a pile of pennies in my cup holder comes in handy.



I just re-read what I wrote. Damn, I'm an angry person!

Is This the Best Time of Year For Sports Fans?

I think so. Let's see:

- College Bowl games
- NFL Playoffs/Super Bowl
- College Basketball Conference play starts
- Near NBA All Star break

January is great for sports fans like myself. No other sport has parties just for the game. Who has World Series parties, or Stanley Cup parties (Canadiens don't count)? From the Super Bowl, you're only a few weeks away from March Madness. The last couple years the opening weekend of March Madness has been coinciding with St. Patrick's Day which makes for an especially ugly occasion. Once March Madness is over, the NBA playoffs are set to start. The first round of that is kinda lame, I admit, but the conference finals usually more than make up for it. Unfortunately, once the final second of the last NBA game ticks, we are subjected to nothing but baseball. Dear lord, I hate watching baseball. Then again, going to the game might make for some good blog fodder.

Predictions for 2007 - Guaranteed to come true!

World: More people will die in Iraq... for nothing.

USA: Democratic Congress will repeal the 22nd Amendment and allow Bill Clinton to run in '08. He's the only Democrat that can win. Really.

CA: This summer will be even hotter than '06 and we'll continue to be the only state acknowledging climate change.

Los Angeles: The Mexican guy that drives the fruit & vegetable van in my neighborhood will continue to block the entire street so no cars can get by. How the cops let him get away with this is anybody's guess.

Speaking of my neighborhood. I'd like to award the guy across the street from me as the official, "Cock of the Block." I knew from the first time I laid eyes on him that he was trash. This guy is huge first of all. Muscles everywhere you look. They are covered with the obligatory tattoos as well. He shaves his head and you know the rules if you shave your head. You have to grow a goatee too. Anyway, he drives this HUMONGOUS truck. I mean it's the biggest pick up truck I've ever seen. I have no idea what he does for a living, but if it's not hauling life-size replicas of the Statue of Liberty, this truck is purely attempting to make up for having a small dick. Parking is a premium on my block and this guy's truck takes up at least three spots. I thought there was no way this guy could look more like a cock until a few weeks ago when I saw his latest purchase. The only thing that could be more annoying than owning a huge truck for no good reason would be to own a loud-ass Harley Davidson. I fuckin hate Harleys. When one passes by, you have to basically put your life and your thoughts on hold until the noisy bastard rides away. Congratulations, my neighbor, you are a genuine Cock of the Block.

Super Bowl XLI: Baltimore vs Philly. The Ravens D will be too much for Jeff Garcia and B-more goes home w/ their second championship in seven years.

NCAA Final 4: UNC, UCLA, Kansas, Georgetown with UNC winning it all.

NBA: Phoenix vs. Detroit - The Suns finally win one

World Series: WHO GIVES A SHIT!!!