Driving

It was inevitable. Of all the things there are to complain about in the world, you know bad drivers are on the top of most people's list. I've been driving for a little over 13 years and have put a lot of miles on the odometer. When I lived outside of Washington DC, there were times when I thought there's no way anybody could be any dumber than some of the boneheads you run into on the streets of PG county. Actually, not just the roads. The parking lots at malls are extreme idiot epicenters as well. I always dreaded going to the mall because I knew once I got into the parking lot, it was a simpleton free-for-all.

Then I moved to LA.

Maybe it's just an issue of volume. Maybe there are no more halfwits per capita in LA than around DC. Since there are so many people here, you're just bound to run into more dumbasses. Either way, I'm surrounded by ingnoramae on the road.

To quote the great Peter Griffin, "You know what really grinds my gears?"

(In no particular order)

1. In LA, nobody seems to use their signal. I am on a crusade to get every Los Angelite to use their turn signal. Especially the one that indicates right turns. I can't tell you how many times I've been at a stop sign to turn right into traffic waiting for an opening when some schmuck approaches my street then turns right without signalling. I would've turned had I known you were turning. I believe I reserve all rights to flip the bird there.

2. Then there is the opposite of not signalling: Leaving your signal on for miles and miles. This is why I don't usually let people in front of me. I've been in positions where I'm feeling nice and if someone has their signal on to move into my lane, I'll give them space to let them in. After a minute or so of driving, nothing happens. How long have these numb nuts been driving with their signal on? How do you not know it's on? So from now on, when I see someone signal I don't let them in. It's probably one of these freaks that has no idea what's going on driving from A to B with their left signal on.

3. The person who thinks cops are watching them 24/7: Ever heard of the California stop? It's where you approach a stop sign, slow down to a near stop and upon visual confirmation that everything is clear, you roll through the intersection. These people not only come to a complete stop at the stop sign, but they sit there for over two seconds, look both ways, then go. I know, I'm complaining about safe drivers. But seriously, if nobody is around, what's the big deal? We're not at Disneyland, just go already.

4. The person who drives 5 mph above the speed limit: These people get on my nerves because you can't really get mad at them for driving slow. They are technically speeding. But you know if you were in their place, you'd be driving at least 10 mph faster. And since they are maintaining the speed they are, you are hitting every single red light. If they went just 5 mph faster, you could avoid the red light all together. They also piss me off because they're not keeping up with traffic. The cars in front of them seem to be flying. As are the cars in the lane next to you. You can't get around them and the cars passing you are moving into your lane in front of the asshole driving just a bit too slow. One time this guy who was driving a little slow have a car pull out on him because he left such a big gap in the traffic. He got a huge case of road rage and I could see he was flipping out. I was thinking, "Dude, you put this on yourself. Just drive a little faster and that would've never happened." Those are the times I'm glad assholes that cut people off with no regard exist.

5. The person who decides at the very last second to go through a yellow light: You know this has happened to you. You're riding along coming to an intersection when the light turns yellow. Personally, I have an imaginary line I draw that tells me either, "Stop. You're not going to make the light," or "Speed up. You can make this light." The person I refer to here slows down like they are going to stop at the light, so you slow down to stop, then at the last second they decide to plow through leaving you behind at the red light. Had they decided to go through the light from the begining, both of you could've made it. I should also note another factor that determines if I go through a light is if there are cars waiting to turn left onto the street I'm crossing. As a courtesy I'll stop at the light so they can make their left.

6. The person who runs the yellow light while you are waiting to turn left: Since there are hardly any left turn signals in LA, there is an unwritten rule that once the light turns red, 1-3 cars may make their left turn. The actual number of cars that get to turn left after the light turns red depends on the jackass that runs the yellow light going straight. If the person is courteous to them and stops at the yellow, I'd say three cars can turn if everybody is on the ball. Inescapably, one of those cars is daydreaming so usually only two cars go. But if a jackass runs that yellow light, only one car can make that turn, maybe two on a perfect day.

7. The person who blocks the intersection: Speaking of making left turns, I want to punch these people in the face when they pull their cars into a traffic logged intersection eliminating any chance I have of making a left turn. This person either doesn't give a crap, which makes them so self centered, they don't deserve to live. Or, they are completely oblivious which means they shouldn't be driving. Either way, our lives would be a lot better if they had just decided to stay in bed that day. I run into these people every day on my way home from work. I have to turn left onto my street off of Lincoln Blvd. There is no light there, it's the next street south, so when traffic backs up to my street, I have to rely on two lanes of drivers to stop and leave the intersection clear. More times than not, the dumbass blocks the intersection leading to me honking at them, yelling at them, and they pretend not to see or hear me. I guess my next resort is to throw pennies at them. That should get their attention.

8. The person that doesn't pull up far enough when parallel parking: There are a limited number of parking spots on the street. If you can fit a "Smart Car" between your front bumper and the rear bumper of the car in front of you, or the driveway in front of you, you are too far away. If one more car can fit on the street, that's one more person who won't be pissed off when they go home.

9. The person that parks in two spaces of a head in parking spot: You are either blind and can't see how bad you parked, or you are so self centered that you don't care that someone is out of a parking spot because you wanted more room for your car. Again, either way, not someone I want to share oxygen with.

10. Just plain slow drivers: Like the person in #4, but these people drive obnoxiously slow. Hear me people. If you drive slow because you are afraid that your reaction time isn't what it used to be, STAY THE FUCK HOME, or ride the bus. The only excusable reason anyone would drive slow is if they were lost, or in unfamiliar territory and looking for a particular destination. On a sidenote, I've noticed these cars are the usual culprits of slow driving:
- Toyota Prius (I'm all for hybrids, but wtf is up with all the slow drivers in these)
- Toyota Corrolla (I refer to the older models of these cars)
- Cadillac
- Any kind of mini-van

11. The person who pulls into traffic and cuts you off: So you're driving down the road into your tunes or your talk radio. You're probably about five seconds behind the car in front of you and there is probably ten seconds between you and the next car behind you. This dumbass decides to pull out in front of you. He or she could've waited until you passed by, taken their time and still have safely made their turn. But no, they can't wait five seconds. They don't give a shit about you. They're cutting you off. Why can't some traffic offenses warrant the death penalty?

12. The person who switches into the right lane at the last second to be the first car at the light and goes straight while you have to wait to turn right: This happens to me all the time. I'm turning right at the light. The right lane is open. Then at the last second some car decides they don't want to be the second car in line, they need to be first. They don't care that people turning right have to wait. They get to be first in line damnit. Another instance where having a pile of pennies in my cup holder comes in handy.



I just re-read what I wrote. Damn, I'm an angry person!